I'm putting on too much make up bc I'm stoned
I just woke up to a guy kissing me goodbye and leaving for class. I don't know where I am, don't have any clothes on, my underwear are gone, and the shoes I found with my dress aren't mine. He just walked in and gave me my phone. I was on my period. Come get me I will walk to the nearest intersection and wait.
This threesome is so guaranteed that dinner feels like a charade
nothing can go wrong this weekend. $1500 to spend. i have options for hookups every night. my backup plans have backup plans
Your job is getting in the way of our day drinking. Shots on the hour are not as cool alone.
He licked the chalk off his shirt, then spat the Mountain Dew from his mouth onto the shirt and sucked on it. And thats him sober.
I should have known our good time had gone to shit when his ankle bracelet started flashing.
On another note, convinced a 9 year old my hickey was actually a zombie bite.
I defriended her. I just can't support someone whose profile picture is of their water birth.
MY TWIN SISTER IS ENGAGED. I REPEAT, MY SCREW UP OF A SISTER IS ENGAGED. THIS IS NOT A DRILL.
I'll be there in 20 with vodka.
Last night all you did was whine about how you needed something new and exciting
Is THAT why I woke up with dreadlocks?
I don't need a lecture. I'm 41. I know I'm an idiot.
It's just unfortunate that I still have the image of him having sex with me fresh in my mind
It’s like a buffet of marriages! Every option is available to you!
Why are you naked at 4pm?
Its my birthday, I dont have to wear clothes
Randomize
