How is it? Sketchville?
cheap drinks and peanuts cancel out any form of sketchiness
I picked my nose. Flicked it. I heard it hit something. Next thing I know, it's floating around in my wine glass.
Drunk sex destroyed my coffee table... ikea this weekend?
Found my phone laying in a snow angel outside my apt this morning.
He bought me dinner. He gave me his jacket when I was cold. And then ate me out in the passenger sear of the car.
I got back at him the only way I knew how, by hooking up with the guy he hates from their rival fraternity.
tell me there's a reason my bed smells like paint thinner
Texas State Troopers call you ma'am even when they arrest you for public nudity and after you've puked on their cruiser. Country boys raised right.
My office already closed tomorrow. I'm bout to get drunk and build a muh fuckin fort. I shall call it "Fort Fuck You, Sandy, You Fuckin Bitch"
Who spent today in nothing but a vajazzle and candy thong? SORRY NOT SORRY
I think if wine wasn't a thing I'd give up on life.
I swear to god....if you can give yourself a brazilian you can take a fucking bullet
Well there's a microwave in my yard now too. I fucking Bruce/Caitlyn Jennered decathloned that bitch.
When you wear a dress that resembles the shape and color of Kirby to a wedding, you get the attention you deserve.
it is time to test the effects of half a loaf of bread and overconfidence on the human body
Randomize
