I didn't shave. On purpose
I just stuffed five dollars in my near empty box of camels to remind myself to buy more. And my mom says I don't budget my money
where's my purse there's an important taco in it
So I have the hangover from hell, spent all night puking, and there's a septic tank truck parked outside the house literally pumping shit. You win God.
Me either. I want to get 'chase a stray cat through the neighborhood in my hooker heels' drunk. And it's your birthday, so you have to get 'best friend holding your hair while you puke in the bar bathroom and cry about your life' drunk. In a feather boa.
I woke up to a head of lettuce on my nightstand, someones Honda abandoned in my yard, the cat partially shaved, and a empty bottle of sailor hanging by a scarf from the rafters. Oh, and 26 people apparently came though and rubbed my back in the process of the night. Happy 23rd to me!
Dude, you left ME alone in your house. With your fully-stocked wine cellar. Why would you do that to yourself?
We're not piercing ourselves today.
dude girls our age are getting married and having babies and I still can't figure out how to defrost my hotpockets
I'm drunk from drinking bourbon out of a "cupcake sippy cup" at the Denny's bar. What the fuck happened to the goals I had?
When dressing for a 3way, how do I convey to the other chick I care enough to look pretty but not so much that it's a huge deal?
Man I gotta stop stashing shit when I'm high. I just spent 2 hours searching for my bag of pot and eventually found it in fucking a bandaid box.
i feel like doing his laundry was not included in the job description when we became fuck buddies.
My ultimate hope is that people will hug me, smell me, and therefore think I'm classy.
Looking back, we probably shouldn't have chased alcohol with more alcohol
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