Omfg I am plowed. Had drinks with 3 milfs. Going out on their boat tomorrow. They want to show me how buoyant they are.
They need to add a relationship status option on fb that says "having the baby of..."
I closed that bar. Sang every Beatles song in the book. Made Somoan friends.
almost just walked around my whole building with my bowl in my hand before i remembered 420 isnt a get out of jail free card
I just tried to sell my homemade "lightning bolt stencil for pubes" on Etsy.
Any day you don't mysteriously wake up in the garbage is a good day.
Of course the bar would go completely silent right as I yell out "I don't have AIDS"
just filed my taxes drunk as balls. i may be going to jail.
she said she walked into the kitchen and i was sitting ass naked on the floor chugging her parents vodka.
Like when I see him I look straight through his appearance and just envision a big walking penis.
on a scale of one to ten where does vomming from being hungover during a professionalism lecture fit
I feel like hooking up with you on my floor, sneaking out my window and jumping a fence is an effort that deserves a happy birthday.
I broke my wrist trying to give him a blow job...
And this is why we can’t have nice things
Watching a guy pay his tab with a check. Jesus dude...
I got subtly pornographic with a lollipop while we were talking and he got flustered and started to blush. If he’s not interested after that I need to turn in my vagina card.
Randomize
