Everything about him screamed your future.
you asked a group of latinas stood by the bar to hold a minutes silence for ugly betty getting cancelled. that drunk.
i don't remember it, but i know we had sex because my stuffed animals were facing the wall
My bosses just told me they met their wives on one night stands. I'm stoked.
the only reason i invite her is so when the guys start to hit on her i know it's time to take their keys
I'm walking down the street with a Starbucks in one hand and a flask in the other. People seem to have a staring problem
I got asked if I was pregnant as a pickup line
I thought you were single?
I am. But thats cuz no one wants to marry shame and regret doused in tequila. But thanks for reminding me ya dick.
I know it basically makes me the worst feminist ever, but I don't want to kill my own spiders. And I will pay my personal spider hit man with sammiches and unlimited , uninhibited access to my vagina.
The Uber driver took us to a Waffle House. We didn't even say anything when we got in. MAGIC.
i swear i was one second from getting his number and then the shrooms kicked in
THEY DIDN'T THROW MY PORN AWAY!!!!
This is a question I thought I'd never have to ask. How many hits of acid did you give your dad tonight?
the hot lifeguard just pulled a McDonald's cheeseburger out of her fanny pack.
You'd think that a rotation of two 30 year old men could keep me satisfied... WHY ISN'T THERE A MAN THAT CAN KEEP UP WITH MY HEALTHY SEXUAL APPETITE?!
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