I left the party when things started to get crazy... and when I say crazy I mean: there was puke on the carpet, Evan was passed out behind a plant, Mary was making out with her ex while her present bf was making out with Nancy. Not to mention that someone fisted the wall. Also - someone is sleeping on your lawn - they might be dead, I didn't check. Later.
My mom caught just caught me jerking off...in her room.
Today at work while talking to my co-worker we both realized at the same time that last year I had a one night stand with his roommate and he was in the living room drinking coffee when I did the walk of shame. YAY.
sometimes I think that if I just met him. he would have a crazy realization and fall madly in love with me. what do you say? I'm not just another fan.
Michael Bay diarrhea
Actions speak louder than words. Her actions scream crazy.
There's trophy wives that arent even in the 5th grade yet
Have invented new cocktail. Any flavor of crystal light and vodka. I call it "I am going to die alone"
Our new roommate is sitting in the living room wearing a snuggie and clutching a handle of burnett's mixed with what appears to be crystal light and sobbing over a documentary about a dead race horse.
I know. Isn't she utterly fantastic?
He's going to be my graduation present to myself.
I had to talk to the cops at my front door in a bathrobe, with the buttplug still in.
Sorry about the picture of wills balls via snapchat last night btw
I know I'm going to throw up tonight it's just a matter of when and where
I am witnessing a blind guy whip ass at beer pong
I am now gainfully employed. Parents, lock up your children.
Yay! Welcome to the world of "you're seriously trusting me with your kid?"
Randomize
