I woke up to a bunch of college seniors jacking off a horse in my face. Geuss who didnt move in time?
How many 'remember name' entries is it inappropriate to have in one's cell phone?
I have your dog in a headlock. Se wants my mushrooms.
did you dip my ponytail in franzia? its the only thing i can think of to explain my hair right now.
2 things. 1. I just gave her a 6 hour long marathon fucking for America. 2. Thought of a new invention halfway through, and it's flawless.
I've got a whole match.com system. Triple book. First dates always get the 6pm happy hour drinks slot. 8pm dinner goes to a girl where I think I can close the deal. 10pm slot goes to the sure thing in case of emergency, but 6 can always trump 8 and 8 always trumps 10. Just blame it on a dead iPhone battery.
That, my friend, is how I bang 50 new girls a year. Not luck at all. It's science and statistics.
We had a weird moment. Mid-sex he started talking. It went along the lines of "I. FUCKING. LOVE.....this condom..."
he gave me a thermos so I could take my coffee with my on drive of shame. I was unexpectedly grateful...
You gave your boss a bj to get the safe employee of the month award?
So your brother is gay after all... Just caught him making out with my brother... Apparently he's gay too
dad is drunk and texting us pictures of bread
I'm here. Help me get the salsa and bong inside.
at what point last night did i get this tattoo of an anchor made of dicks?
around eleven
he came with me to get plan b but they didn't have any. when I started crying he said "come on it's not that bad.. ill go get sandwiches from the vending machine and we'll have our first meal together as a family"
I know you want to take a pregnancy test, but could you wait until Sunday so it doesn't ruin our weekend
Randomize
