The guy next to me is watching porn. EVERYTIME I COME TO THE LIBRARY SOME RANDOM GUY NEXT TO ME LOOKS AT PORN.
if i get the "i'm engaged" text one more time, i'm going to shoot myself in the face so my cats won't eat it when i die alone.
It was the gentlest way I could hit on a girl who just got hit by a car
I mean, there was frosting being put on a tunafish sandwich. Pretty sure she knew we were high.
I just had a threesome in the back of my mom's van. I'm pretty sure the rest of my week is going to be epic.
Doing Jager Bombs on a Sunday morning is justified...How else is my team going to win?
Can't a woman sleep on the floor in her own apartment in peace without being judged?
Just finished two pages in like 20-30 mins bitches SHWAMP DRUNK LIBRARY SHWAMP
I should start wearing my Batman shirt more often when I drink. Good things happen. All sorts of shit.
Oh god now he thinks I'm into him because I've been staring at him trying to figure out what animal he looked like
Well, at some point in her life every girl has to decide how much weird she's willing to tolerate for hot tall banker cock
THERE ARE SO MANY HOT DADS AT WHOLE FOODS
Last night was great... In the "I got videotaped making out and getting a handjob on the couch in front of 100 people." kinda way.
You just kept telling everyone to call you MFT.. Mother Fucking Tornado.
He was a half hour late. His excuse was that his brother knifed him right before he was going to leave. I didn't believe him until I saw the gauze.
Randomize
