so im watching realhousewives of jersey with my mom. she just said they werent really rich bc they were doing their own makeup.
can you call in chlamydia to work? like if the antibiotics they gave you for it are giving you the shits...
yes you're required to wear a bikini its the snowpocalypse beach party
She pulled a wad of lint out of my bellybutton while she was blowing me. Said she's never seen anything like it. I've never gone soft so fast.
show concern. Mark ate a butterfly and proceeded to drink more shots like nothing happened
I woke up in confetti... confetti and shame
Where are you? We're in between the guy dressed as a giant inflatable penis and the Justin Bieber lookalike lesbians
Does the penis have a genital wart?
I went through my entire iTunes library and made a playlist called "Feelings". I have 7.5 hours of feelings.
OHMYGOD I LITERALLY JUST FINISHED JERKING OFF AND MY MOM BUSTS IN AND HANDS ME A BABY WHAT THE FUCK IS GOING ON IN MY HOUSE JESUS H CHRIST!
Gonna be hard to top last New Year's Eve when the guy I blew came at midnight
I may have broke the toilet masturbating. On a positive note the floor is really clean now.
I don't just want drugs. I deserve drugs.
You wrapped yourself in tin-foil and told us you were Iron Man. I have pictures.
Kinda thinking about going to my moms wedding high
He was all “please don’t bail because I’m missing work for this” last night
Honey no, I need dick. I’m not going to bail
Randomize
