Also, just saw a homeless man answer a phone call on a blackberry...
How am I a tease?
Dude you flashed me ur vagina and walked away.
ONLY PART OF IT.
Well if my looks don't work with her I'll eat the 50 nuggets to impress her fat roommate.
You were hanging upside down on the subway with your feet in the stirrup handle bars. the children were amused.
OH MY GOD MY GRANDMA JUST SHOWED ME HER BOOB OH. MY. GOD.
Jake bring pizza.
JAKE BRING PIZZA.
WHY IS MY CAR MISSING A DOOR YOU BITCH
budget cuts
YOU CANT BLAME EVERYTHING YOU DO WHILE DRUNK ON BUDGET CUTS
budget cuts are serious business
Texas State Troopers call you ma'am even when they arrest you for public nudity and after you've puked on their cruiser. Country boys raised right.
New drunken fun fact of last night, after I pushed Sarah and before I started making out with guy #1, I shouted that I'd go to third base on a first date, then threw myself at him
You must take up my position now. You must pass out in awkward places as I taught you... Sears a hotel elevator and Burger King bathroom. You potential for greater young grasshopper.
I have 35 pounds of pennies. Need any?
Can I just buy you sex toys as a wedding gift? Bc I’m here for that and you
You are a genius and a whore.
Interesting fact: if you wanted to rename a guy Jeff, just tell him you only fuck Jeffs. Magically whatever name he was using is actually his middle name cause he doesn't like going by Jeff.
I just put together something from IKEA so that’s mandatory oral for a week.
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