Did your girl go home? Did she have fun? Can we have our friend back?
He cooked the food on a paper plate in the oven.
Oh my god he is having a sentimental moment right now.
He just sent me like a really heartfelt confession of love in which he ended with "make the apt, I'll hold your hand while you get your clit pierced."
The stripper told me she had been working there for eight years, then got mad when I asked if she was trying to make it into mangment. Awkwardest lap dance
I feel like vodka or no vodka, you'd still be trying to button your cat into your comforter
He fell asleep and they duct taped him to the floor. He's pissed.
You should fuck with them and beat off in the cup and then walk out an be like, "This was a sperm donation right?"
Just to an Octoberfest and a sex party. Nothing wild.
Watching videos from last night and u go "I should be the president, I can get whatever I want w my tits"
New rule: I am no longer allowed to speak
I will kill you in such a brutal way if you ever de-pants me again on the dance floor it will make the stock market ticker
im on the hungover til tuesday pabst blue ribbon diet
If we don't have crazy animal sex tonight at least twice, I'll know he's cheating on me.
Who wouldn't want crazy animal sex with you?!
A cheater.
My husband was abducted by a group of disco dancers in the parde and danced off down the street. If you see him, tell him to Hustle on home and clean the cat box. #MardiGras
I'm trying to behave my vagina this week so I can at least pretend I'm honoring the sanctity of marriage
hi, I love you... and I'm sorry your floor is covered in popcorn, your cabinet is broken, all your alcohol is gone, you're 80 dollars poorer, everything in your bedside table is soaked in beer, austin slept in your bed in those disgusting underwear, I made out with your toilet seat, and for talking to your mom with a four loko in my hand
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