I'm sitting next to this guy at the bar. I wrote him a little song in my head it goes "there is no fucking chance you're getting in my pants" gonna sing it to him after he buys me another drink.
As of tonight I have officially had sex during every Disney movie.
im pretty sure thats the first step to being a pedafile
He set 8 alarms to make sure I took my birth control on time..
Nada. Shooting off confetti and wanted to see I'd u could see it from ur house.
Wow. Its not even 11am.
He came in my nose, then said it would help clear my sinuses.
We found her hiding in the bath tub.. And when i opened the curtain she replied "thank you" and walked out like nothing happened.
Just thought i'd let you guys know that my dad was roofied at a lesbian bar last night...
She finally pulled over after almost hitting 4 cars and a semi and asked me if i was rwady i told her to let my penis to come back out
After what I experienced at 6am this morning, all I can say is chew your noodles thoroughly.
Fuck you, I'm yelling at a mountain right now
His roommate walked in then asked "well did you at least finish". What a way to start your birthday
Yeah,I'm just gonna keep fucking other guys til this idiot figures out he loves me.
Really this has to stop, if they get any younger we will be breaking the law
he's smothering me... and not in the good, can you move your thigh off my face please?.. way
But yeah, I am thinking that "Cake Heresy" will now be a thing
Randomize
