Dude I just picked up a married chick while her husband was playing pool.
What do you mean you picked her up? How are you gonna leave the bar?
I didn't. I fucked her in the men's room. Come get me before he finds out.
I woke up on the side of the highway to the ppl in orange jumpsuits cleaning to comunity service. Not sure which freaked them out more... Finding a dead b ody or me not being dead
He brought over a 20 dollar bottle of wine. Who does that? This is college.
friends with benefits? more like friends with awkward sexual tension
Instead of just putting in it he asked "will you do the honors?" it was the cutest thing I had ever heard before sex.
Hurry there's a dancing lesbian. She's a jumper and has impeccable jazz hands.
hes like the used car salesman of hook ups and closed the deal w my taking him home with me,as is,today
I've got a whole match.com system. Triple book. First dates always get the 6pm happy hour drinks slot. 8pm dinner goes to a girl where I think I can close the deal. 10pm slot goes to the sure thing in case of emergency, but 6 can always trump 8 and 8 always trumps 10. Just blame it on a dead iPhone battery.
That, my friend, is how I bang 50 new girls a year. Not luck at all. It's science and statistics.
Good morning! Just thought I'd give you my yearly reminder that we lost our virginities 7 years ago, yesterday.
That's the best creepy text ever.
to have them in my mouth would be like meeting a unicorn while floating on a cloud of glitter
It's like your nipple is comforting my nipple.
I asked my mom if she could pick up something for me to drink since we ran out of orange juice and she goes "We have beer, champagne, and baileys. Drink one of those."
For not being a nurse or a sex worker I have seen an alarming amount of penises.
I'm not asking for life coaching, I'm just asking if you know where I left my underpants.
I just got woken up by that guy wearing a Krispy Kreme hat giving out donuts
Randomize
