that's why i date skinny girls, they don't realize how small it is.
I wish I had my own personal Asian lady that lived under my bed so that she could wax my eyebrows and give me a pedicure whenever I wanted.
Some dude just bet me $8 I couldn't smoke a pack of cigarettes in an hour...It sounds stupid, but I really wanna do it. If I survive, I'll have $8 and it'll look good on my resume.
he asked me if i wanted "a hit" off his inhaler. its definitely time for a new roommate
i wanna give whoever invented massage chairs a blow job.
I woke up wearing a cow costume. I'm not even gonna try to recall what happened last night.
This girl just stopped in the middle of a sentence because of my blue eyes. She said she got lost in them. I am laying pipe tonight.
I wish you would just come have sex with me in ihop. I don't want to be here
I fingered her though her window because she couldn't leave
He got weirdly turned on by the video of my cat licking nacho cheese off my finger.
It was easier that asking where the vagina platter is.
I found a blow up pig at an adult store. He will have to fuck that on video if he wants anal. Also, I bought a pair of clear high heels. Tell your brother I love him.
At this point all my Tinder matches are telling me I'll be fucking the whole male population of UMass '17.
Found out that I went to the same elementary school as the guy I'm hooking up with. Kosher or no
I called him my big strong man today. It's all downhill from here. Matching Christmas sweaters, here we come
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