Saw a dead body on the way to the casino. I think that's a good sign.
Just found a copy of intimate toy times in my mom's trash can...
While you were puking in the ocean I was rubbing your back saying "Just give it back to Mother Earth".
I created another version of Halloween, it's called swalloween, whatever girl in a slutty costume you bring home has to swallow or forever be known as the holiday grinch
Oh, I never thought you were a dick. You were one of the best morally comprised ideas I've ever had.
Then she said I give the best mouth hugs and bar went silent.
You went through my pantry and left one of everything in the box. One cracker. One cheesit. One piece of cereal. I really fucking hate you.
Well if she's the kinda girl that doesn't want you after seeing a pic of your balls squeezed together, she's not the girl for you.
He has been feeding me cheesecake and candy for breakfast. Naked. For three days. How am I ever going to leave????
Nahh no judgin. Compliments to the balls are always heartfelt
sweating bourbon at client mtg -- you?
Idk man, we spent like 20 mins arguing about the moral ambiguity of fucking in someone else's car
I don't think I bit anyone but I woke up to scrapes knees, bruises and new friends.
I'm talking to this guy I met online about French toast. I am the oddest fucking combination of hungry and horny. Wtf brain.
It was probably the night you were half naked and trying to blow everybody, guy or girl.
this is me we're talking about here. You're going to have to be more specific than that.
Randomize
