Look I'm sorry I shaved your cat, but get over it.
Wait time out. Did I start last night with pants?
Just remembered getting lost in a "shortcut" through yards and GPSing my way home last night
I just opened my filing cabinet at work for the first time in months. It looks just like my pantry: nothing but peanut butter and whiskey.
Curled up in the fetal position, trying not to throw up or think about my future, and humming songs from musicals to myself. You?
Day drinking! Today! (tomorrow too!) Our place! Whenever you get off work! Ready go!
Dude. Going to the Theme park the day after the 4th of July was the worst idea I've ever had.
I Have a huge scrape on my knee and I need a better excuse than dry humping on a park bench...
there was so much lube in my brother's closet...
My ex-fiancee UPS-ed me a sixer of tall boys, and a fifth of bourbon for christmas, from halfway across the country. What does this mean?
You don't know how skeptical I was about letting a guy with braces go down on me
We broke my graduation cords last night when we used them to tie each other up during sex last night
The best part about theater chicks is nothing is too cliche or out of line. I just fucked her Braveheart style in my entry way while saying goodbye.
I remember 2 things. 1. Hanging through the window. 2. And she needing a bucket to puke in. That’s all. I have no other memory.
What does "mood AF" mean?
Mood as fuck.
Why did you comment that on a video of a gorilla throwing its own shit?
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