I'm at some bar in brklyn... just made out with a guy named Owen.
He is a pre-school teacher... just sang me a song about weather.
Banjos are just sex machines. Like lights to moths, banjos are to hipster bitches.
if i hurry i can finally have sex while stoned off my ass
godspeed.
You were so drunk that you were trying to take pictures of a MILF at the park so you could send them to Adam, but you didn't want to "seem creepy," so you used taking pictures of her son as a cover. Needless to say, cops were called.
my vagina's been through so much this weekend
you mean so much has been through your vagina this weekend?
He tipped the stripper with quarters. After that not even the waitress would talk to us. I had to move to another table to get a lapdance
Mass texted booty calls to all the guys I've hooked up with this year to commemorate the end of the semester.
I BIT YOU IN THE DINING ROOM. I bit you and you crunched
I think I shall call his penis Gatsby. We talk about it all the time, but I never see it.
Bone him for me, BONE HIM TWICE FOR ME.
Stoned, and eating Doritos, and reading about lesbians for class. This is the life.
I'll be thirty in eight months. I think my goal is too stop changing my pants in the parking lot at work by then.
Seeing your boyfriend, side piece, and great white buffalo, all in one night? Its a sign right?
Proceed with caution.
Remind me to never do anything where hiding something in my butt is the best course of action
are you comparing glasses to pregnancy
Randomize
