dude did u upper deck my toilet?
haha like two months ago
i cleaned the bathroom like ten times before i realized what the smell was.....i hate u
well there was some sort of sex marathon going on in my house last night..jess and i vs my parents...and im ashamed to say that we lost and my parents out-sexed us
do you want me to make hamburgers?
i'm vegan
i'll put lettuce on them
Dude I gave him a bj because he was upset about the NFL draft, if that doesn't lock it down, i don't know what does
Going to a party tonight. Sorority girls will be there. Primary goal of the night: make one cry. Secondary goal: become a father.
I passed out on my porch last night. I'm still making it to class. This is what growing up means.
your ex girlfriend just barged in my house, drunk, mumbled something about "car strip", and put a huge hole in my drywall with her head.
Exactly. This is the bit where I learn a heartwarming lesson about not making my drinks half vodka
If I never see my landlord's dick again, it'll be too soon.
Dicks are so weird. He has kind of a feminine comforter in the background.
He went to 7/11 first and came back with condoms and a banana "in case we get hungry"
I don't need to marry the guy. I just need some filthy, shameful wish fulfillment sex and then live out the rest of my life on the bean farm.
i got home safe but then alex started a fire so now we're at the hospital
I'm sorry I lead life with my vagina.
We found you in the bathroom at 1AM throwing money into the toilet making wishes. That drunk.
.... Seriously?
Randomize
