K I think ***** turned off her phone. Guess I can't make her feel any more miserable tonight so I'm goin to sleep
His moose knuckle keeps winkin at me
Dude, we somehow need to leave discretely with the toilet brush.
I told her you were a premature ejaculator. She nodded and said "Really? Wow, how long's he been a Pilot for?"
you are both the best and worst wingman ever.
apparently it's a turnoff if you ask a guy why he thinks he needs to use magnums
i vomited out of my nose in three different houses so far, i will be back for my boots tomorrow
Awkward moment: seeing and saying hey to the MILF you're sleeping with while shopping with your mother and sister.
The guy who was The Count on Sesame Street died this week too. Therefore, you should take multiple shots, count them, & go "ahh aaahh aaaahhh" after each one. I expect video...
P.S. I just made up pleasure scepter for the purpose of that last message.
You were so high that you only FaceTimed me so that you could stare into your own eyes and not actually say anything
That's a lot of people she's fucked in one picture.
I'm not sure when I will get off this toilet at work but it's not looking promising
Dude I swear I'm scooping human shit out of the litter boxes. What the fuck happened last night?
I'm bonding with your girlfriend. I like her. We're plotting your demise.
Sooooooo, maybe just fucked on a motorcycle.
Randomize
