Apparently I masturbate in my sleep now.
It's been a wonderful constant drunkeness. We played Marco polo with some random like 8 yr olds in the kiddie pool.
No it's okay, we're just driving to random places with the portable stripper pole and causing a ruckus.
Oh that's normal
Oh I already celebrated valentine's day. I stayed up until 4 AM listening to biggie, drinking rum, and caressing all my girl curves in front of the mirror. And then I came 3 times.
My life is like a drunken tornado. All over the place and never passing up fat girls
You said "bag of dicks" before passing out and falling off the landing
Oh god... Please tell me Sarah didn't see me like this
...you may have kinda punched her in the tit on the way down...
So... Really random... You know we only exist cause Dad misspelled 'perseverance', right?
On another note, I feel like my vagina is slowly being peeled off with a rusty potato peeler.
Prerry sure I narrowly avoided being tazed by a swat cop last night... But on the up side, we found my purse.
I want my tombstone to read "making poor life decisions since 1993"
I think were only still together so we can make each other miserable
My butt remains clenched, sir.
A log hopped out of the fireplace and caught the carpet on fire. Good summary of this election if you ask me.
Look, you're talking to the wrong girl here. Tacos>dick always and forever
He just ate a tooth whitening strip...
Randomize
