k, so I just picked a four leaf clover, then saw my dads penis. Lucky? I think not.
I just saw a guy masturbating vigorously at the bus stop across from del taco at 2:30am...im pretty sure he wasn't even homeless
He doesn't know I'm infertile yet, that's when the sex gets good
This is a drunk text message. I am so glad that we are friends. Tomorrow we will eat sandwiches in miniature. We both love dogs. Flower.
My wedding band has saved me from at least four cases of herpes tonight.
Just bought a 17 year old 40's while wearing a poncho. This behavior is acceptable until I'm 25.
I spent the whole weekend building houses out of popsicle sticks for my bowls. How was your weekend?
Dunno yet. Probably just gonna play the s.t.d. russian roulette game with random bartenders at the beach again. Same 'ol same 'ol
drunk caitlyn doesn't know how to work gmail. so know an email has been sent to the entire campus with a picture of me naked eating a bagel attached.
All I want to do is sleep. And If I'm not sleeping, I want to be eating or fucking. I'm pretty sure being pregnant has turned me into a dude.
It made me want to take you home, put you in footie pajamas and feed you spaghettios
FUCK and YOU. times 10. To infinity and beyond. You bastard. Worst. Cockblock. Ever. I'm going to nail your sister.
the bartender goes "wow its so good to see you sober" and gives me a hug
He looks like a Mormon from a lifetime movie. Oddly I wanna give him a hand job
Pro tip: When you spend the afternoon banging your boss, don’t meet your mother-in-law for dinner if you still smell like cum and watermelon flavored lube
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