They're drinking Schnapps out of Spaghetti-o's cans. Please come pick me up.
He left his umbrella behind in my bed to 'keep me company', then stole my front door key before he went to work
How many beers are too many "cause it's Archer Thursday" beers?
before we left she put a post-it on the floor next to the toilet saying she was a pretty pretty princess
I'm making myself a nametag with my contact info and pinning it to myself like a kindergardenter in case I get lost when I black out on Sat.
Can we laminate it? Just to be safe.
When we asked you how you got there you replied in all seriousness, "rode my legs"
I won't apologize to a one balled man
There were grown college boys running around north campus in capes with nerf guns. If security were to be called I think they would just give them more beer.
I threw up in my closet when I was hammered last night. Like a fucking toddler. I can't play with the grow ups.
Roommate is hosting a 'sorority retreat' at our house. If you need to get laid, stumble on over.
I was at the pharmacy picking up my herpes medication and the pharmacist asked if I had any questions about my medicine, looked at the bottle, and laughed. Insult to injury man.
I gave up great shower sex to be here so don't say I never did anything for our friendship.
We used to bone, but now she's my life coach.
New drinking game, drink every time Rhianna says "Work" in her new song.
I had fresh baked oatmeal cookies, tacos AND was on deck to give a stellar blow job. You'd think that'd be a win/win/win situation.
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