Whoever decided putting Tom Seizmore and Heidi Fleiss together in rehab should win some kind of award.
His whole family saw that I had cum in my hair once they turned on the blacklight at the bowling alley. You should have seen his mother's face.
Wise words from the guy who drunkenly chipped his teeth on the sidewalk
Crosswalk actually
Just remember my house smells of thick cut bacon and I have a big dick.
Why is there a water bottle full of red wine on my desk this morning?
See you tonight.
This is the fourth day in a row I've walked outside in the same pajamas. I think the neighbors have finally given up on judging me.
For my birthday I want you to get me in bed with Donald Trump. That is all. You have 3 months
What I'm saying is DOWNGRADE. Like, do you see the caps lock?
I just found out who gave her jelly shots. You owe me a new mattress.
You know what I realized today? That my biggest regret of freshman year was ditching you and that foam party to have a one night stand with a skinny jean wearing vocal major.
I am concerned for your priorities but also really flattered. Flattery wins
It's my day off, I'm going to Target to check out Moms in yoga pants
Lets just say the phase, What a dick, has a whole new meaning at the urinals.
THEY'RE HAVING SEX ON A HORSE AND THE HORSE DOESN'T EVEN CARE.
As long as it's before midnight it's cool. But it would be understandable to ring in my new year shitting myself just before I go to Iraq.
Thanks for driving us home last night. Also, blanket apology for anything I may have said/done. I blacked out sometime near the t-shirt cape incident
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