come home now. i got a twizzler tangled in my hair again
You should probably just propose to him the old fashioned way: sleep with him and get pregnant.
It was like getting head from an anaconda
He said he had a problem he needed to take care of before we got omelets and then showed me his erection.
you stumbled up the stairs in your heels, pulled 23 one-dollar bills out of your bra and then went and puked in the toilet. didnt say a single thing to me the whole time
Just sharpening my eyeliner with a butterfly knife. You know. Typical weekday morning.
I hear fucking Christmas music. I'm going to find fucking Santa and tell him to suck a dick and shut up for the next month
Everything was cool until I tried to photo bomb those Hells Angels, then it's all a blank
I told her the party couldn't handle my playlist LAZERBAWLS and I was right. Cops in the basement, orgy in the kitchen, jousting in the living room.
my dad pointed to my full beer and said drink up we're leaving now.
can you adopt me?
Should I go sleeveless of strapless?
Hmmm, it doesn't matter. You're gonna be topless by the end of it.
Also I'm eating leftovers with a pair of bullet removal forceps (unused) because I don't have a fork.
When you wake up on the bus on 139th but you're staying at 6th
133 to go
I am watching xfiles and eating microwaved cookiedough, and I see nothing wrong with it.
Alan said you can come over and eat me out anytime you want, as long as we give him enough notice to hide in the closet before we arrive
Randomize
