I knew I was in the wrong bar when "I have a daughter your age" was some random's pick up line.
love being home for thanksgiving just had grandma pick me up from the frat by her house
He kept insisting that I was going to have an orgasm but it just felt like he was rubbing sand paper on my vagina
It's my diet secret . . . it's like slimfast but I call it cockfast instead.
There're making snowcones with the leftover vodka from last night. This is not the time to be making up excuses!
Also while I am being the bigger person I plan on bringing over something strong smelling and/or alcoholic to torture the poor hungover bastard
There are 18k people at the game and I'm next to the one guy who pulls his underwear down to his ankles to piss.
she was literally 3 feet away from the garbage can, said she couldn't make it, and then proceeded to vomit on the floor in front of everyone in the restaurant
So another one of your girlfriends from middle school had a baby. Thank god you are gay, otherwise you would definitely be a dad by now.
Finally another gay clarinet player. They're surprisingly rare.
What do I do when my mom and I both awkwardly spot the Rocky Horror parody porn sitting on the coffee table? Leave it or try to move it?
THEY SELL PREFROZEN MARGARITAS AND THEY COME WTH A STRAW. MY PRIORITIES ARE IN ORDER
DROP EVERYTHING! Gatta go get tested for herpes, lets make an adventure out of it.
My hands smell like penis... I can't even remember the last time i touched a penis, but my hands say i did. Oh the mystery.
Decided to stay sober a couple days, learned how exceptionally stupid my coworkers are. Might have to quit now. Moral of the story:be careful where you go sober.
Randomize
