The bird has been looking kind of ugly lately...gotta look nice to fly with the hawk ya know?
so i told my doctor my symptons and she just shook her head at me
how am i supposed to spank it to a shakira video when she looks like she is doing the robot?
Its 11am everyones wasted wearing sombreros and eating fresh produce..cesar chavez would be very proud
You know its a good sign when a girl asks who everyone is AFTER she flashes her tits to the room.
I really wasn't that bad. I thought I was pretty tame.
When Anthony passed out you poured vodka on his face
I can't wait to hear about your drunken cab ride to planned parenthood at 2pm
You know when you can feel the alcohol in your toes? That's a great feeling.
I've been on this train for an hour and this women has been on the phone and all she's said is "guuurrrrrlllll, gurl, gurl." I may commit suicide.
Apparently I blacked out and started wrestling with some dude last night. Just found out I might have dislocated his shoulder. Best part: he still wants to bone me
I just want to give face wipes a shout out for being there when im too tired or high to wash my face at night
You kept purposefully giving me wrong directions, laughing, then yelling at me for taking directions from a drunk person.
My lash glue is stronger than my sense of self respect
i need something from you. video yourself doing naked jumping jacks and send it to me. it will make me smile
Did he pick you up in a mini van?
Yes. Turns out my sugar daddy is about to be an actual daddy
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