Why did every guy I have ever slept with have to come into the library today?
They were so loud I wrote them a sex critique and taped it to his door.
i think i left my bra at your place
It's still hanging from my ceiling fan. Please let me keep it there.
You now know someone who has just successfully talked his way out of being arrested for breaking into the town library at midnight. Ive been home for too long.
think they'd let him outta jail for my wedding? we could have him back by like midnight....
I wiped my mouth this morning with a pine tree branch after I threw up on the side of the road. Tis the season
She just tricked me into telling her the balance of my 401k... She's like a gold digging jedi mind trick ninja
Like for real, is your junk ok? I have to look after my investments.
He's like a fucking cake pop, the greatest thing in the world while it lasts, but it never lasts for long enough
I just finished a four mile round trip walk to CVS to buy shaving cream and lube. You're welcome.
Good night I hope you dream about knitting and threesomes
You know it was one hell of a night when you need to use your own thong to wipe cum off your face.
Our sub is singing "i believe i can fly" after yelling at the class this whole time and this is really hella weird
I'm glad you threw up in my bed because now we talk.
Dude how about today while I was on lunch someone died in the break room at work....I didn't even know we had a break room!!
Randomize
