I have to start avoiding pregnant women. This is getting out of hand.
I lost my virginity in that bed. You just layed in history.
Ever have those mornings where you just can't wait to puke in the shower?
There's a creepy homeless guy with no hand trying to get up on our tacobell order
Can't. I took a Viagra to make sure I wouldnt leave the room so I might actually study.
you left me with this keg alone. this is on your hands
The ultimate Father's Day bonding experience: Both getting bailed out of jail by mom for mooning some shithead cop.
There are two things I love in this world. Dick and cats. Why can't I just have dick and cats forever
Perfect. Let's do that. I'm thinking everclear and green dye as our base. We shud start from there
Nothing like drunkenly buying a pregnancy test at 8 am to get out and realize your nip was out the whole time.
Cocaine and dance dance revolution for 4 hours. I consider last night a success.
It's my day off, I'm going to Target to check out Moms in yoga pants
How don't you remember..? You were getting handfuls of skittles out from our bra screaming TASTE THE RAINBOW.
anything below 65° is too cold to be naked on a roof
I should have known when she mixed malibu and V8. It smelled just like tanning oil and when she drank it she said "Oh well, not the first time."
Randomize
