you hid your keys in a box of lucky charms because drunk you was apparently going to eat them for breakfast...
I'd say this is worse than that time when I realized that my favorite bath toy growing up was my Mom's douche bottle.
Also, our mothers are placing bets on which of us will get pregnant first.
Well, I looked over and you and him were each making out with a fireman. And then you switched. And you probably spent an hour like that.
So essentially hes paying me $150k/year for the rest of his career to not have sex
SERIOUSLY? WTF! why cant I find a super hot, super gay, super conservative christian NFL player in need of a beard?
You said my dick was impressive. You thank someone when they say that. My momma raised a gentleman.
I may have farted on a group of children. It may not have been an accident.
I have a fever. Last thing I need to do tonight is be elbow deep in old lady pussy.
Tell me again why we had to Facebook stalk your therapist?
I'm 4,715,723% sure I don't give a fuck.
He was tripping his balls off and kept aggressively saying SIT ON MY FACE. 5 hours and countless orgasms later I've decided I must never let this man go.
In between explaining the best feminist lenses for the myth of Persephone and doing vodka shots with my friends she dragged me into my car and gave me an Earth shattering blow job. Honestly I think I'm in love.
No we were too stoned to stop you from wiping the peanut butter all over the car.
Omg. I'm living macklemores best life. I have someone's granddads dog, I'm about to have someone's grandmas car. I look incredible.
Hey Girl, we got home safe!
I know, I drove you
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