just witnessed a squirrel raping another squirrel. i couldn't look away.
We basically counted to 3 and then dumped each other.
Did you wake up with "jello shots" stamped on your hand too?
You know you're a nerd when you lose track of how many times you've gotten turned on watching Glee.
You told the waitress last night "What tip bracket do I have to be in to see your boobs"
He gets creativity points for the hot sauce. But it may be awhile until my nipples forgive him
Guy in the room next to us in the ER is chanting "I'm jeff and I'm drunk". He's trying to get released to finish tailgating for the Iowa game that starts in 9 hours.
I dove into a random van at the bar as the door was closing and ended up at some house with people I've never met in my life dancing in a basement
I think it's a scientific achievement that I can make jelly that is 95% vodka so suck it up.
Halfway through the night I was hiding in a trashcan. Then I "sobered" up and ran around the house throwing change because I wanted to make my last moments of 2013 charitable.
I know this is a weird question but we both had pants on when my mom woke us up last night right?
Dude. I don't even want cuddles. I just want an acknowledgement that I just had balls in my mouth.
I literally JUST MADE IT to the liquor store. I bought a box of wine with the lights off
I hope April is a better month for dicks. March has been very disappointing.
I'm fucking my way through California and it's kind of fun.
Randomize
