I just saw the girl you left with - Chris Hansen's looking for you
I don't smoke a lot but now and then I do. Weed and I are like still standing naked in a bathroom together deciding if we should blow one another or bolt for the exit. An awkward relationship.
I love reading their "i love you more" , "no i love you more" war on facebook today knowing that he hooked up with me last night. I bet i know who wins that one.
you know it's time to start studying when you've procrastinated to the point where you're reading your roommate's ex-boyfriend's wall posts from 2006.
My glasses are somewhere in your living room. Also, my underwear might be in your bathroom or on or around your porch. Sorry.
HOW AM I SUPPOSED TO LOOK FUCKABLE IN AN ALL NEON SPANDEX JUMPSUIT?
I went to grab his drink and my hand grazed his dick. It was magical.
The closest thing to a sext that you will ever receive from me is a picture of pepperonis on Greg's asscheeks, clenching.
Sorry I couldn't make it...got a scrambled voicemail, all I heard was "Bring the dildo"
You know you're fucked up when you decide to pour fireball whiskey in your vegetable beef soup
I just handed a girl a slice of pizza and she handed me her number. Is this how Vegas hookups normally begin?
Stealing, and booze. If only you added meaningless sex with random people you would have wrapped all your life passions together
I just made some sangria and taking a roadie on my stroller walk around the hood! Parenting at its finest
He deserves a nobel prize for his dick-giving abilities. 10/10, would ride again.
THERE IS A MOTHERFUCKING HUMMINGBIRD FLYING AROUND IN OUR HOUSE RIGHT NOW HOW DO I GET IT OUT????
Randomize
