i finally understand why guys leave in the middle of the night.......they got it right
I watched the entire movie Forgetting Sarah Marshall before I realized it was in Spanish.
My water bill is like twice the normal amount. I need a boyfriend.
Do I even want to know?
I'm watching the red sox through my neighbors window from my bathroom. We're winning btw.
She looked at it and said "your dick is like the golden gate bridge."
next time we make out at a concert please try to refrain from screaming out our hotel room number.. the amount of guys that knocked on our door after you passed out was ridiculous
My black heart of coal cannot compete with your boiling crock pot of teddy bears, rainbows, 90s music, and the good candy you get from rich people on Halloween.
We're not piercing ourselves today.
Sorry for the milk in the bathroom. I was washing mace out of the one security guys eyes
And anyway at least being paid in opium makes a cool story
I'm at a loss. By loss I mean singing songs from Wicked and pretending I'm at the Oscars
Not as great as when your drunk mom grabbed my junk, but better than when your sober grandma sacktapped me and grabbed my butt.
dude, you ran into a window then asked ME what the fuck I was doing.
So I took my bra off and threw it in the bushes before we went to the bars..
He's here walking around DRUNK AS FUCK in a Kobe Bryant number 8 jersey... Tucked in.
Randomize
