And i quote: "where's y'alls from comin' in with them accents?" - from a mississipi mcdonalds
Hurry up and get here. I already announced to the bar that you were on a mission to get laid tonight. I have 3 takers.
I had sex with her like 200 times, and she was only pregnant once, those are pretty good statistics.
Tonight was the second time that I've pretended like English was my 2nd language to avoid conversation w a creeper.
Is it weird that the girl he dated after me had a child with him and it has my name? I think it means he's not over me. Or I'm really self absorbed...
Dude if you're not gonna answer them I'm gonna stop snapchatting you my hook ups
I would come over if there was not the impending fear of me shitting out my brains.
If you hear a sad honk in the wind it is me.
Stephen I'm in a lecture and the lecturer just said 'you can CHOOSE to put something in your mouth and swallow it" i'm the only one here who burst out laughing, this is awkward. Thought you'd appreciate it.
They'll never let you practice medicine.
My old dealer would be proud of the drug cocktail I just took for my back pain.
I just bottomed with the last unicorn playing in the background. I've hit a new level of gay.
She has an alarming number of pictures with cat ears but the sex is amazing.
my roommates are pretty pissed at me. they sent me out for ice and i came back with a kitten.
Side note: I apologize for sex being the subject of every single one of my texts. That's what happens when you date an older man who constantly denies you sex on the basis of his ridiculous morals.
i was watching the elves fighting on my knees while waiting for the shrooms to kick in then i realized
Randomize
