You're the unicorn of the gay community. Unbelievable and unattainable.
Just saw a group of asian tourists in safari outifts bow in thanks to the starbucks guys. And no Im not high.
Men with bald spots should not have mohawks. Just in case you didn't know.
a stripper queefed in my friends mouth last night and it reminded me of you. miss you
Oh my god. I opened up my microwave and there was a pile of bacon in it. It's like my mother knew I'd be hungover.
I'm not going to fuck him in his Honda Fit. That's gay.
i swear, about 40% of my drunken life is spent having sex with him.
I have so much shit FLYING through my head. They're all in magic carpets and everything
Breakfast-of-shame with my mother. I was in half of a sexy Mad Hatter costume. We had artisan bagels and judgement.
She thinks I should try and corrupt him and take his virginity. While I do love virgins, I'm a little too lazy to put in the corruption effort right now. That's a summer kinda job.
I can't be here...my therapist just watched me take tequila shots
About to be a 4Loko vomit fountain in 45 seconds, what color will it be? Animated birds will fly out of me.
Just saw a woman trying to order Mcdonalds at a trash can. God bless America.
Spencer just told me I got home and was opening beers with my teeth and trying to make pot butter
you know you should be lucky to find the case to my dildo....that means no more random guys at the house!
Randomize
