Kris Allen: Jason Mraz mixed with John Mayer and a splash of orgasmmm
so im watching realhousewives of jersey with my mom. she just said they werent really rich bc they were doing their own makeup.
If im paying 4grand for laser eye surgery, it better help with beer goggles cuz last night was pretty rough.
I don't think the car's salesman understands that I am about to vomit on him.
i preemptively threaten to cock slap your kids if they are snobby yuppy bitches
He has in a pan: ten pieces of bacon, two cloves of garlic, an egg (not scrambled or hard boiled, just an egg) and frozen corn.
first reaction to dying the pubes purple - awesome. Reaction after I explain the process - not awesome. Hypothesis? when girls find out you know to bleach and dye your hair, they're turned off.
And my only real exposure to Russian culture is you and Internet porn.
WHAT IS PROPER BONG ETIQUETTE FOR WHEN YOU'RE ALONE IN YOUR BATHTUB AND CRYING?
I seriously want to say to him "Do you know how many blow jobs you could have gotten this summer?"
Do you know how much wine is in a box of wine? Not so much an amount, but whether it will kill me if I drink the entire box this xmas
Our relationship revolved around Taylor Swift albums. It's no wonder it ended so fast
His junk had piercings everywhere. The dick and balls. It was a fucking pirate penis.
He said he’s shouting let’s get this bread the first time we have sex...
He’s very straightforward
Either im seeing the northern lightgs, someone is having a rave, or im on acid.. Im most likely on acid
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