After I talked about my ex for about twenty minutes, she just listened, sluts are so understanding
I vaguely remember telling people they were not trash cans
u ever jackoff with ur legs spread and pretend ur fuckin urself as a girl and get mad u'll never know what that feels like. Or to fly like a bird?
Did u absorb a fraternal twin in the womb?
Last night I ate the rest of the salsa with my hands. And i DONT have a hangover? Glorious.
We had one of those mutual "I know your on a dating website, I won't tell if you won't" glances.
his mom and i are swapping prescript pills..totally mother in law material.
All I wanted was a "this is what America feels like" blowjob before I left. Is that too much to ask for?
Showering in my swimsuit in hopes of getting the beer smell out.
It's that "make a Pringle and Twinkie sandwich" kind of depression.
I just power smoked 3 bongs, ate hot cocoa mix before making hot cocoa, and realized James Spader's character on The Office reminds me of your mom.
I bought new panties to console myself ... you know, because I am going to lose my ovaries. Well, if I don't die of a heart attack first. But at least when the EMS folks find me, I'll be finely dressed from the waist down.
He texted me at 3am that you cut your hand at the bar and were bleeding all over.
I woke up to a text thinking you bled out at a bar, turns out you got your butthole licked.
I feel badly that he has cancer, but this does not mean I am obligated to have sex with him. Again.
I never thought my selfie stick would come in handy for nudes.
Me my naked body. You bring the paints. I expect to be a panther by game time Sunday.
What do I get.
Panthers win you get to fuck the paint off me.
Randomize
