She rode me to the beat of Baby Got Back. I swear to god.
That's what happens when you let Keystone Light make your decisions.
Why does everyone think all I do is drink? I go to class on wednesdays
so explain to me why i woke up in jail this morning
because you opened a jar or pickles and a bag of fritos and layed down in the middle of aisle 7 while singing 'la cucaracha'
no more ever clear
i wish that every time i slipped on a sheet of ice i had the ability to recover with a michael jackson move
my mind is a poorly written porno when i'm drunk.
Should study in library more often, procrasturbating is less of an option.
You are colorful like whore, yet adorable, like sad puppy. You need more drink.
He paid me to blow him while doing a handstand. Does that make me a whore or just a budding gymnast?
She makes walking on a treadmill look like a porno. I wish I could send over shots as an ice breaker.
That's effing brilliant. We should start a business.
And the prospective student I was showing around had to take care of me.
The cop let us off with a warning because I had more Twitter followers than he did. The future is terrifying.
In 18 months of being married we've had sex with 7 different couples. Who said you can't have your cake and eat it.
You just kinda wondered into the street and started screaming at dogs and small children...
The cop busted in, made the music stop, and goes "GUYS LISTEN UP! DRINK, DO DRUGS, HAVE UNPROTECTED SEX, I DONT GIVE A FUCK, JUST QUIET DOWN!" Best. Cop. Ever.
Randomize
