well my last 2 orgasms were over shoe sales at macy's. what does that tell you?
she was screaming in french about how classy it was to be drinking wine. oh... she was drinking it out of the bottle. with a beer in her other hand while throwing up.
he accidentally used the toothbrush i use to induce my bulemia...i feel like this is something he shouldnt find out...
A university police officer just hhigh fived me when i drunkenly stumbled into Aderhold. Fucking 5 o'clock somewhere.ITS IN CASABLANCA RIGHT NOW! TIME ZONES!
The thing is you're all "holy crap this isn't nearly as bad as I thought pissing on my own face would be."
The trip involved octopus tentacles coming from the little holes in my TV's speakers. The beauty of the nonexistant symbolism had me in tears.
you referred to yourself as the crossing guard because of your neon shirt and began directing bar traffic
It looks like the misc $300 credit card fraud might have been our taxi cab driver who wouldn't take boobs as payment. No wonder...
Just threw up. It looks like I may have swallowed a cigarette.
It's Saturday night and I'm getting shitfaced alone while reading Dino porn. Wassssuuuupppp
I have to go buy generic plan b after work. I don't even leave for the new semester for another 11 days. I think I just leveled up in sluttiness
I have bruises all over my legs. Did I hit a car with my bike last night?
Of course I'm watching space shows while stoned on the science channel. Why would I want to learn while not baked out of my skull?
We got cut off at the bar, but it's okay because I tactically rolled behind the bar and grabbed a bottle of whiskey. Meet me in the back booth when you're done puking in the bathroom. This is about to get real slutty.
How does it make you feel that I can't control my vagina around you?
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