I've been reduced to Capt. Morgan and Golden Girls reruns. Ugh.
What I'm saying is Afghanistan is America's sexually contracted disease.
I want to get laid tonight but my sheets haven't been washed since vomiting in them on Halloween :(
She just got in car wreck. Wreck sex is better than break up sex
I walked in on her just letting her nose bleed into her friend's hands
I think this hangover is going to kill me. If it succeeds I would like you to read a dramatic rendition of 'Trapped in the closet' complete with interpretative dance at my funeral.
Instead of sending me a picture of his dick, he sent me a drawing of it on drawsomething. This game is getting out of control.
Let's just say after this weekend I'm known as Shameous the Irish bar fighter.
So looks like I applied to adopt a dog last night. I'm completely ok with this
Totally. Bang on. He'll be fine. He might cry into your perfect tits once in a while, but that's the price ya pay.
You disappeared for 10 minutes. Then came back with nothing but your boxers and a life jacket on to tell us we were all screwed when the flood came and you would be the only survivor.
I'm going to sleep with this bank teller and I'm going to enjoy it, just try and stop me
I threw my shoes out of frustration and walked home barefoot... can you help me find my shoes in the morning
Vegas never ceases to amaze me. Hung out with a stripper from ATL all night and got nuthin, but the next night meet a bride-to-be who gives me a bj in the elevator.
I feel like 20 angels jizzed in my mouth. This cupcake is DELICIOUS!
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