When he was fingering me, it felt/looked like he was digging around for pocket change.
fuck off i hope your children turn out to be republicans
Housekeeping just called to see if we were okay bc they came in the room earlier and we didn't move.
We told you to stay put for 2 minutes. We come back out and your being handcuffed yelling "DO YOU FEEL LIKE A GOOD FUCKING PERSON ARRESTING ME ON MY BIRTHDAY?!"
I vaguely remember you trying to make me a casserole with marshmallows and a can of beer.
He shit in a sock dude, you can't come back from that
I may have made out with a tranny last night, which, if I don't get fired for everything else that happened, really makes last night epic.
i think i need to institute a "if your dick has been in my mouth this year i get a xmas present" policy
i found you in bed eating fish fillets dipped in chocolate pudding
I just got caught impersonating a t-Rex by my boss. Sadly he wasn't fazed by my behavior and acted like it was normal.
I was just thinking about our drunk conversation about having sex with elephants the other night. Love you bud. Stay strong.
Can we smoke pot out of a menorah?
You were drinking tequila through a straw.. and kept waving your arms at me and getting this intense stare down as you muttered something about jedi mind tricks.
Donated a pint of blood at 6 and pub crawl started at 7. Thank your lucky stars I'm still alive today.
Dude just saw some some guy puke out of a car window on the highway going to school.
Randomize
