half the nation just spent an hour watching a balloon fly around. we are officially the dumbest fucking country.
I never thought I'd hear the words "aww you pulled out" and "you're so sweet" in the same sentence.
I got her a Nickelback box set.
just walked past a group of stoners who were staring open jawed in the spice aisle. tonight they will stumble upon something amazing.
Its amazing how creative youll get when your house has been out of toilet paper for a week and a half
A burger king employee called me from your phone while you were on their bathroom floorl. Hope ur not in jail....4 realz
i looked up and she was looking over the stall watching me pee and told me to unlock the door. that dedicated to sucking my dick.
My roommates just built a mini golf course upstairs while I was sleeping.
Now that we have successfully procreated, I need to know we are on the same page. Please tell me you are aware that there are whole seasons of our lives that our child can NEVER be made privy to.
We should probably write this down. That's a shit load of shit.
I feel like there is something fundamentally wrong with me as a woman. My initial text to you was "What's up, fuck bucket?"
Speaking of boners I learned how to say " jizz everywhere" in sign language
I am still awake. And let me sing you the song of my people. Ahem. "I have a bottle of hydrocodone and you all can fuck off."
Vodka and cigarettes aside, my body is a temple.
and it's like......my shirt is off and he's talking about quidditch. why.
You kept on yelling traitor and threatened to kill him and everyone he loves because he played beerpong with someone else
Randomize
