Is it too weird if im a sexy tampon for halloween?
For a whole 2 minutes you were convinced you were talking to my voicemail
I just typed 14 shots of Smirnoff into my calorie count toolbar. Then typed pole dancing 1.5hrs into the calorie burner search. Should break even.
We all have a cross to bear. Yours just happens to be attracting gay men.
I just found puke in my bra..
On the bright side, I hit her with the door on the way in
This is the first time I have ever hoped it's poison ivy on my cock
If you hook up with your cousin you will permanently be my favorite person ever.
Do you remember some guy walking around the club saying "boner patrol" and smacking people in the dick?
Yeah, that was you
I don't care how great the sex was, I cannot unsee what has been seen. I regret ever stalking his Facebook.
I'M MAKING HIKING PLANS WITH THE GIRL WHO IS DATING MY EX, THAT IS PERSONAL FUCKING GROWTH
How will you ever teach your dogs to pee outside when the biggest puddle on your bedroom carpet is from you?
If my birthday doesn't end with my panties hanging from a ceiling fan, I'm holding you responsible.
We told you to act sober so to prepare yourself you started doing squats and stretching then you slapped yourself and walked in
So it turns out that a Ford Focus does not fit in a Walmart cart return.
Randomize
