A girl just told me I should smile because I was surrounded by hot girls. I told her that clearly beauty was in the eye of the beholder. And she slapped me!
Just cleaned up my puke with my lecture notes.
PS- I just stirred my mimosa with a slice of bacon
He managed to get his pants on, so the cop just sat there facing us with his lights shining in the car. I made shadow puppets.
Should we buy the taco bell before hand? Not having taco bell on Quattro de mayo isn't a risk I'm willing to take
Ok now a guy in a winnie the pooh costume is grinding on some chick to the song shots
Remind me in the future that chugging dog codeine is not the best idea.
You know, having a conversation evolve from attractive men to roommate orgies would be weird with anyone else, but you get me.
Just ignore his excessive use of exclamation points and be happy this one is of age.
You fucker.
Are you two whores ready for me to turn the light on so you can see what you came home with last night?
its like my brain is a tree and you are those little cookie elves
Damn you. I'm in a bar with Southern Jesus Fearing Blah Blah Rednecks WHO ARE PROBABLY VOTING FOR TRUMP and you go radio silent.
Is it weird that I'm mad at my boss because he isn't paying me enough attention? Maybe my dad issues are worse than I thought
I’m ready to be reckless and make stupid decisions, and I need you to support me in that.
idk what to be more embarrassed/confused about, that i lost my underwear or that i woke up covered in fried rice
Randomize
