wait.. the condom broke. ehh whatever i think im already 2 months pregnant
After I talked about my ex for about twenty minutes, she just listened, sluts are so understanding
it was so cute when you were pretending to have willpower
i tried to get you to come inside, but you insisted on throwing up in the flowers "because they're pretty."
I remember sucking his bleeding finger and then it's all black until he had his hand down my pants.
I've hooked up with three guys in my accounting class. I'm beginning to think my teacher failed me so I can start getting laid again.
An there's a little girl across the bar eating Mac n cheese... #1 she won't stop looking at me. Boo bitch I'm drinking alone. #2 I'm about to tackle her ass for that Mac n cheese.
I accidentally peed all over the couch. It's safe to say I'm not welcome at that house anymore
Cut a hole in the crotch of my onesie so we could have sex without me getting cold. Best decision of my life.
I used my tears to chase my tequila. You could say I rallied.
There was just a girl standing next to me on the train, wasted, wearing only one shoe. I so wanted to pat her on the shoulder and say "oh honey, we've all been there"
Drunk texting is the poetry of my life
In case you're wondering what I'm doing, I'll be banging an 18 year old this weekend. Repeatedly.
I woke up and found my apartment really clean, appearantly drunk me couldn't tolerate living there anymore and left sober me a lot of insulting post-its...
I'm trying to imagine how upset he was when he realized that he had been cockblocked by a picture of a sloth and I am drawing indescribable pleasure from it.
Randomize
