do you want me to make hamburgers?
i'm vegan
i'll put lettuce on them
So I'm pretty sure when I was giving a Birthday Blow J, he went to grab my boob, but grabbed a fat roll and asked "You're not wearing a bra?"
There's a girl at 7-11 apologizing for her behavior and asking if she can get her shoes back.
Living well is not the best revenge. Fucking his brother is.
Nah you can have him. There's too many men in my life right now. I can't handle another dick.
we where pretty evenly matched until he threw me through that wall
i just remembered that i did the "single ladies" dance ON THE BAR...fuck you slippery nipples i curse the day i discovered you
You should have seen her, she looked like a skinny Jabba The Hutt
That literally makes no sense
Exactly
I really hope you are not drunk feeding a raccoon.
Woke up this morning with my period. Saw a commercial for the beginning of Shark Week. I see what you did there, Mother Nature. My pad's off to you.
Waking up in a NH rest stop and reading through my texts is definitely a familiar low
I don't know man, I woke up and shes here acting like she knows me, wearing my clothes, and scrambling eggs in my kitchen. I don't know her.
You were drinking with me last night, I warned you.
sweating bourbon at client mtg -- you?
We celebrated Cinco the right way. We took shots of 1800 then he fucked me while Selena was on TV in the background
I'm really sorry I bit your mom last night, it was completely uncalled for.
Randomize
