3:12 am: but i thought i was coming over tonight, don't fall asleep i wore new underwear
What happened to our ballroom dancing plans
hey babe. i'll pick you up in my mom's car. with my mom. she has nothing to do tonight.
I went with the blow up doll and I'm glad I did.
Stuck behind a lady in her 70's purchasing a plastic handle of vodka and nothing else. She is writing a check. Hello future.
at least he lost his v-card with a bang... or should i say the clap.
I made the bartender pinky promise me there was still vodka in my drinks.
I gotta stop tellin complete strangers at the bar that they're the godparents to my first born
He tried to write down the address for the cab on half a bagel.
You fell asleep with your fingers in my vagina. You made this a relationship.
In other news, shitting yourself is not an acceptable way to start a Thursday.
He's worked out some sort of arangment where all three of them are dating each other and they've all moved into an apt. with two king beds pushed together
A true beacon of hope in these dark times
Remember how I have such good luck that it's almost bullshit?
I'm afraid to ask, but go on.
Remember when you brought a guy home from the bar... to our parents house.... on thanksgiving eve?
Probably not. Getting pulled over and puking my guts out on the side of the road in front of the cop and him making fun of me, was not my finest moment. Plus I lost my debit card.
Randomize
