and you said cock pushups were impossible
I told him I was pregnant. Figured it would soften the blow of telling him I had herpes.
Did it?
Not as such, no.
We really need to stop competing to see who can get more drunk, and I REALLY need to stop winning.
That's right. If she can't abide by the rules then she gets booted. It's like survivor booty call edition
He made me keep his swollen nut cold with frozen bags of peas while rubbing his tummy because he said I had no choice.
More cowboy butts than you can shake a stick at, oh joy.
You won't wear your Santa suit, I can't get trashed, and you won't use handcuffs! This is the worst Christmas EVER.
After he came, I wiped my mouth on my baby blanket. I could feel nana rolling over in her grave.
A fair warning: I don't think a cop will let you off the hook just because your birthday is on New Year's Eve
I want a battle ostrich, get me a battle ostrich and then come and make love to me
you told the taxi driver your yeast infection was so bad you wanted to F a popsicle
I just gargled with NyQuil
He left cushions on my floor, chocolate on my bra and unexplained scratches on my thighs. I think this one might get a second date.
i knew it was a party when i saw you sitting on the couch naked with the keg in your lap, still drinking and passing out cups
you woke me up at 1am last night high on cough syrup to tell me jay z was an idiot for cheating on beyonce
Randomize
