Scott woke me up by cracking a beer open in my face. Best friends are awesome.
Woke up and went out for a cigarette and it was dead quiet. It was like the world just knew how many mistakes were made last night.
whatever, you made your decision to be a responsible student and where did it get you? a pushed back exam and no blowjob.
I realize now that I left my pants on that table in the downstairs bathroom at you house on Tuesday....
She just tried to snort granola up her nose but its ok she's not bleeding.
Johns diaper came in the mail. He's freaking out thinking there's some conspiracy going on since he sharted on the drive home from st. Louis
The intern claims someone glued plastic eyeballs to his penis last night. He going to show everyone in the conference room at 3pm. There is a $5 cover charge.
I JUST SAW A SIGN LANGUAGE CATFIGHT
He just climbed off me and used my hairspray to fix his hair. If he hadn't just gone down on me I would think he's gay.
He was rocking just a diaper, shoes, and a gun. Sadly, I would still hit it.
sidebar: i fucked your brother last night
You know darned well I have a well-documented weakness for redheads, Subway and hand-drawn graphic novels.
I feel like I'm in a astronaut outfit like I'm a spaceman & I'm just floating around cause that's all you do in space is float and I'm floating to be in detail
Houston we have a problem
My new roommate looks like a troll. Or a serial killer. So if I disappear, show this text to the cops.
He was literally screaming at me for using the same knife to scoop the peanut butter and the jelly.
Randomize
