I got so drunk I pissed the bed last night. He still likes me. He's a keeper
He is a keeper. You on the other hand are not.
I just want to know how you cleaned her puke off the twister mat with no gloves. And didn't throw up
fuck dude i blacked out on a tuesday. what am i doing with my life?
Winning.
see if i had a dick i'd definitely smack people in the face with it
ENDLESS SCROLLING ON TUMBLR WAS MADE FOR HIGH PEOPLE!
I'm hoping he'll tell everyone how great in bed I am. Well, how great in bathroom floor I am.
Just met me in 10 years...this lady keeps an emergency wine cooler in her bag
You had salsa out and brought a banana on a plate to bed
I had fun last year but I was one half of the hoe train back then. At least I'll feel better about myself as a person this year.
I'm going to miss going to the strip club though.
We were fucking at break-dick speeds.
I found a video of myself completely naked on my phone giving a drunk tutorial on how to shit properly while blindfolded. Did you record it?
So, the officer that worked my wreck, I'm rockin his world tonight. He saw me high on morphine in the ER. So he knows my level of crazy. Think he'll agree to wear his gun?
So many things can go wrong tonight.
U know this is gone far when im in the bathroom trying to take a pic of my asshole
You stared at a Swedish dude for like 5 minutes then asked him "shouldn't you be yelling at dragons"
God damn you Coronavirus! I'm jonesing I got the itch. I would fully satisfy a horse for some Taco Bell or Perkins. God help me I'm going insane but I definitely don't want to get sick.
Randomize
