she's like "i'm so proud of u" ... and then i threw up on myself
What are you drinking?
Shitty Coors light. OM NOM NOM TASTES LIKE HIGH SCHOOL
Woke up. Made a pizza. Burnt it. Going back to bed cuz today sucks
Dude's from Puerto Rico. Majoring in Spanish is like us majoring in drinking with a minor in watching Forgetting Sarah Marshall.
Best elective surgery ever. Having a great time ignoring girls' pleas to pull out and blowing it inside anyway. I like to watch them absolutely freak out and go batshit crazy for 20 mins before I mention the snip-snip surgery. Power trip.
I'd rather just be alone, than deal with this bullshit. I just want to be alone. Cats and vibrators never let you down.
I'm currently braless eating the balls of the penis cake and drinking warm champagne. I'm 3 cats away from crazy at this point
Children cease to be precious when they crap their shorts in the pool I exercise at.
Actually let's just focus our energy on not getting committed to a psych ward.
He fell backwards into a full bathtub but didn't spill a single drop of the beer in his hand. What a pro.
Don't stress. That was a joke. I'd trust my pets with no one else. Accidents happen. Sometimes things go smoothly when you help a neighbor out and sometimes you electrocute their fish. Life is funny that way.
Now when you said you'd never sleep with me, did you really mean never on a Monday or never without handcuffs or a blindfold or never on a airplane or never without lots of booze? Cus never is a pretty strong word.
My phone has started autocorrecting "monogamy" to "monogamish"
dude, next time you say lets go on an adventure, tell me if there are going to be psychotrophics involved before hand.
He put on star wars porn, i thought it was hilarious last night but now i'm wondering why he has star wars porn
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